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unmade films



for Building Plans on CAD for  Planning Permission


Mrs. Monk's Would-be Diary should have been written by Mrs. Monk, since she is the "Writer" in the family.
However, since she is a writer only in the conceptual sense, I have undertaken to fill these pages on her behalf
If not by her, these pages will certainly be about her, and other important matters of the day         Leslie Monk



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2 January 2012 New year’s resolution collapse. Don’t ask.


1 January 2012  Faces of 2011 recorded by theses pages or otherwise taken by Mrs Monk on her travels throughout 2011

31 December 2011 Andy Murray has found a coach, Ivan Lendle. Lendle has been a long time admirer of Murray, and there are many similarities between the two.

Work has already started and they are preparing for the Australian Open which starts in just two weeks.


The Daily Sketch

Something appears here most days from the prolific pen or pencil of Mrs Monk and less frequently from  Mr Monk, when Mrs Monk becomes less productive. A sketch is something produced in a fleeting moment or two of inspiration, not intended to be a finished work, but nevertheless too precious to be ignored. Artists like Tracy Emin make a career without ever progressing beyond this stage. Mrs Monk is currently impressed by Tracy Emin, now that Tracy has disclosed on TV, her very own private lapping swimming pool in the basement of her home. Mrs Monk also loves to do laps on a daily basis, and to count her laps, in a mermaid dream, but in a less than private swimming pool.

24 December 2011 ....Sometimes you get Christmas News  that might test your sense of humour, and Christmas Spirit. When we heard that Margaret Thatcher would get a State Funeral, Cat Flap Charlie and I were extremely disturbed and had some impure thoughts.  We predict a riot.

Recent Pictures of Leigh On Sea

Alternative Christmas Tree

22 December 2011 ....  an otherwise naked deciduous shrub which overhangs the public footpath ...

21 December 2011 Are you sure about that, Mr Morgan?”

Miss Putupon’s Last Lesson

21 December 2011 It was the last lesson of the afternoon before Christmas.

Dancers Chancers and Brides

17th December 2011 The St Paul's occupation Saturday  December.

so cozy and wozy

by the fire

it's almost Christmas

what was I saying?

oh yes

it's almost Christmas and soon it's over

but don't dwell on that and all those Super Sales!

smell the pine

and opine

so cozy and dozy by the fire


Pictures by Sara Monk where the TV is featured, either directly or inadvertently.


16 December 2011 Surprising number of politicians, are unwilling to admit to having no faith, but are lining up to admire the good Hitchens, now that he is gone.

God Bless Darwin

15 December 2011  If Tinker Tailor failed to get nominated for the Golden Globes, the actual unseen nominees most be very good indeed. Unlikely outcome.

15 December 2011 Weekend Ski Slope Nazi chant stag party   When Mel Brooks dressed up as a Nazi, in the classic movie The Producers,  no one doubted that he was mocking Nazis, but when young Tories dress up as Nazis, it is like watching delinquent infants pissing their pants for the first time. I have seen Young Tories first hand, and it is not a pretty sight. 

Transport Secretary Justine Greening is embarrassed, but what fun for the weekend ski slope Nazis? How Daily Mail is that? Nazi chant stag party

15 December 2011

1 Euro = 0.840297062 British pounds

15 December 2011 Possible backlash against Cameron failing to save the Euro... therefore the World. Gordon Brown saved the World, they say.


The Jewish Christmas Tree

By popular request we return to Christmas Past,

and this page just 5 years old this week.


Pictures of Cat Flap Charlie and Friends, snapped by Sara Monk from 2009 to 2011, are constantly added and removed from this set so his admirers, all over the world, may be frequently updated of Charlie's progress. Of this he is blissfully unaware, because he is a cat.


12 December 2011 FSA report states the bleeding obvious, and offers lessons, but no solutions.They blame themselves for light touch regulation, abused by the bankers, especially RBS, especially Fred Goodwin.

Light touch regulation has not been abandoned by the present government. After Cameron got elected we might have expected him to toughen up the regulation, but we were told that they could not do so because all banks world wide would need to sign up collectively to any new tougher regulations. Isn't that what was proposed last week, by the other twenty six nations of Europe?

9 December 2011 Cameron has “accidentally” taken us out of the common market without a referendum. The Tories are beside themselves with joy. This would be good for the Bankers and the city of London. Bad for manufacturers. Bad for Jobs.

8 December 2011 The Monks have an arranged overdraft with HBOS. If we use it and overdraw by ten pounds for one month we will be charged

76,621,785,459.2% APR Can this be ethical?



7 December 2011  “We are all in this together.” BS

Poor them, you might think, but why would David Cameron focus on the extremely comfortable filthy rich, the lucky 10%?

6 December 2011 Olympic Stamps announced today.


Arsehole Signs for Sale

5 December 2011 I was surprised to learn that several people had googled the word  “Arsehole”, and had accordingly found this website, perhaps because of this 2006 page. Even in 2006 there were annoying Jeremy Clarksons everywhere.

Recent Pictures of London

Boys will be Arseholes

1 December 2011  Three Jeremy Clarksons walked into a bar.... to those defenders of Clarkson, who say Clarkson has no political agenda and that it was just a joke, pull the other one.


1 December 2011 Another day and another analysis of George Osborne’s budget, this one by the Institute for Fiscal Studies. We now know that the most well-off earners, the top 60% of society will actually be better-off, and only the lowest paid 30% will be worse-off.

That is some trick Mr Osborne.

We are all in this together?

30 November 2011 Yesterday’s Autumn budget, by George Osborne, has now been analysed, and we now understand that the bottom 30% of society will pay the most, and the top 30% will actually be better-off. The politician, David Maceroon called the strike today by public service workers, “a damp squib” Apparently he is seeking confrontation. Pretty sure he will get it.

30 November 2011 The politician, Michael Gove made a perjorative accusation that the strikers are “politically motivated”. Dah!


30 November 2011  Peter Hitchens and the Prostitute.... generated by Linkedin, but written as if they were from Mrs Monk.

Twitter, Linkedin

& Other Networks

105,000 people passed this Newsagent Window last year. Place a free ad or find a bargain. No catch.

27 November 2011 Roger Federer diminished Andy Murray’s achievement in the Far East run of tournaments,  claiming that Andy Murray only won because a fit Roger Federer did not show up at those events. Since Murray has an 8 to 6 winning record against Federer, that would seem to be disrespectful not just to Andy Murray, but all other players that turned up for these events. Now that Federer has won the prestigious O2, I think that the inform, but injured Murray and Djokovic may also care to point out that Federer was lucky to have avoided facing both of them at the O2.


O2 Tennis Predictions

by Wilco and Others. Hit the contact link, make an impressive prediction and beat the Tennis Egg Heads. 24 November 2011


Dear Vince Cable

23 November 2011 humping and dumping bad employers have the most to gain from your proposals

22 November 2011 At The O2 we are left surveying the walking wounded. Murray is out with a groin injury. Djockovic came in nursing a shoulder problem, albeit announced fit, if not match fit. Nadal has the runs, with confidence waning and having now been bagled by Federer today, following similar treatment by Murray last month.  Fish is floundering, and the event seems destined to go Federer’s way, unless Mrs Monk is right, and Berdich bounces back.

22 November 2011  Seamus is Sick


Parts 4,5,6 Siamese Head Butt, Cat Heaven, Cat Hell.

Murray’s  Strategy

19 November 2011 Someone should fix his rubbish kit

Recent Pictures of London

16 November 2011 “How 'rogue' borders chief DID go behind minister's back as controls were 'eased 164 times'” This Daily Mail Headline, is based on a leaked draft of the in-house enquiry set up by Whiteman  into the Suspension of Clark by Whiteman. Apparently, conclusions have been made and leaked, by the in-house enquiry and by the Daily Mail before the evidence has been presented. Meanwhile Emails and minutes supporting Mr Clark, are not leaked. 

How Daily Mail is that?

Theresa’s fall guys

 15 November 2011  “No,” he said without hesitation.

Who gets the blame and who gets the credit

Sodom and Gomorrah

14 November 2011 .....the blonde and the very first public toilets in Abu Dhabi.......


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Love is a very splendid thing. A movie called "Love" was created by us Monks at Shoestringonline. We then discovered that there were 10,729 movies on vimeo with the same title. Most seem to be syrup, or church, or just bad, or all three. Surely there would be enough to start a Love Channel. Love Channel was born, or was there already a Love Channel. Apparently not.



Unlovely movies about love and a foil to the Love Channel

subscribe, no charge...if you must.


 8 November 2011 PM Theresa May has now said that she will not resign, but so did Liam Fox at this stage of his demise.


 8 November 2011 PM Theresa May has now said that she will not resign, but so did Liam Fox at this stage of his demise.

 8 November 2011 AM Theresa May has the full support of David Cameron, but so did Liam Fox. The shredders are working overtime but Theresa May will now need to defend her secret light touch regulation on Home Border Security, something she failed to inform, and indeed may have misled Parliament about. Theresa May is hardly able to start a sentence without blaming Labour, but not on this occasion. She may also have misled all those Daily Mail readers. Whatever next?

Monkles’s choice of Mrs. Monk’s pictures on Flickr

Popular choice of Mrs. Monk’s pictures on Flickr. Mrs Monk's pictures have been viewed 40,373 times as of today, and these are not the best, but the most viewed, or commented upon, or favoured, apparently appealing to the taste of others.


 6 November 2011 How Daily Mail is that?

It can’t be true if you read it the Daily Mail. When they ran the headline “St Paul's staff have to clean up human waste INSIDE the cathedral as protesters 'use it as a latrine'” this was something that their readers would enjoy reading even if were untrue.

The headline used quotation marks but nevertheless failed to attribute the quote. However within the article is an attributable quote that makes it abundantly clear that the Cathedral does not at all find the protesters responsible for crapping on the church. How Daily Mail is that?

Richter or Monk

 5 November 2011“smudging blurring God,” Richter is richer than Monks.


 3 November 2011  On BBC Question Time, Peter Hitchins, representing Daily Mail readers, was seated at the extreme “right” end of the table for comic relief. His annoyingly juvenile, and indeed fascist position, was that the St Paul's protesters were “self appointed” and should therefore not be allowed to express their views.


Bus Stop Pictures

Paint Job

 2 November 2011 “There, I hope you are satisfied” she said, “No pumpkins”


31 October 2011 The Dean of St Paul’s resigns.

The Bishop does not.



Saint Paul’s

30 October 2011 there are no rules .....  if just one hippy showed up ...


27 October 2011 Vince Cable has described the Beecroft proposals as “madness”. I am not at all sure that he always had this opinion, because he has hitherto disappointed me by announcing a contrary view on BBC Question Time. Thank you Vince. You are forgiven.


26 October 2011 Mr Beecroft said, “employer did not like them... this is sad.”




25 October 2011 I demanded to see the bank manager.

I got to see a pimply youth......

Robert Maxwell is starting to look honourable.

 Recent Pictures of Monks 


23 October 2011  The soup was a soup, without lumps ..... an unconvincing cowboy theme.


23 October 2011

Wilco says, “I predict Murray to win it, (The O2 Barclays ATP World Tour Finals), there, I have said it.” I feel Wilco’s pain, but is it too soon to write off Djokovic, Nadal, and Federer?



EasyJet Baggage

18 October 2011  Why is EasyJet so difficult?


The Car

Picture of cars, or from cars shot by Mrs Monk



Stories about tennis inspired by tennis pundit Wilco and others.

11 October 2011   Andy Murray has won 21 out of his last 22 matches and two ATP titles in two weeks (three, if you count the doubles win). If he wins this week in Shanghai, that will mean three ATP singles titles in three weeks and he will then become the new World Number Three. That could send Wilco, tennis pundit and Federer devotee, over the edge.

Tinker Tailor Liam Fox

9 October 2011 If you were sat upon the Duty Officer's toilet...and Kathy Burke complaining?


  Pictures by Mrs Monk selected by others


8 October 2011  Andy Murray won in Bangkok  last week and today will play in the Tokyo Final against Nadal.  Murray will not become World No 3 after today’s match, but he will narrow the gap between him and Federer  To clear confusion created by SKY TV. Murray is No 3 in the Qualifying Race to the O2. Federer has not yet qualified, since he has won no event since last year’s O2.  Tennis pundit Wilco is in mourning.


People at work and at play.

6 October 2011  Steve Jobs was not a Bad Apple, but he did successfully fool me into buying a flawed product at an inflated price. Yes, he had the knack for seducing people into parting with a lot of cash for second rate technology disguised as the cats meow. (No offence, Charlie). The I-phone does no more than any other phone that does everything badly.  But that is at least something in a world where achievement is measured by what salary you receive for doing something very badly.


Vexatious George

4 October 2011   "We are ending the one way bet against small businesses," Mr Osborne said in Manchester.  If employment disputes are a one way bet against business, I’m a chocolate fudge cake..........

How Not To Win

Imponderable choices, manipulation by filter or photo-shop. These choices are in fact infinite.... Apparently inspired by Tarkovsky's film, Stalker. Sure, it was.......





These are stories inspired by the crisis in education.

Britain and the USA have the worst behaved children in the world. Yes, we even share that with the USA.

British Employers complain of an epidemic of unemployable illiterate and innumerate school leavers.

“What is the price of experience?” 29 September 2011 A Survey shows evidence that head teachers in Britain, are guilty of illegal discrimination against older and more experienced class room teachers.



Educating Essex

25 September 2011  The man with the foolish grin is no guru.......

Sony Obsolescence

24 September 2011  We've done some rethink on this camera choosing business. Some would call it “built in obsolescence” .....

20 September 2011  Seamus is Sick


Honeyed Cat

 Pictures by Mrs Monk selected by others These pictures have received comment on FlickR.
They were chosen by others and not for any special qualities, but nevertheless hit some vein or other within the intercontinental audience of FlickR

12 Sep 2011  My First Car  Lady Chatterley’s Lover and Princess Margaret, or Potted Plants and Harold Macmillan ........


12 Sep 2011 Tactical Call For Trainer In the US Open final, Djokovic was warned twice about slow play and when Nadal was at the peak of his game he called for the trainer...............



10 Sept 2011 Quarter Final Stats show Djokovic posting the worse stats of any player in any round, in spite of the schedule which favours him and Federer and punishes Murray and Nadal  Nadal continues to be the objective favourite to win the USOPEN

9 Sept 2011 Unhappy Anniversary

About This time of year I am bound to think of My Wedding Anniversary,  September 7th,  because I receive so many hints and reminders. .... however...

Dear Nick Clegg

Pull The Other One

5 Sept 2011 I have read the liberal party policy document on “Academies”, and I note that you are broadly against them. I assume that you do not like being misrepresented by Gove and have already given him a severe bollocking.



5 Sept 2011 The stats now put Nadal in first position over his three closest rivals, but his collapse with cramp at the post match press conference was another telling indicator of the brutal task at hand that has made 16 players retire without completing their matches. And still counting.




2 Sept 2011 “I'm going to need to play better on Sunday or I'll be going home” says Andy Murray, despite his 5 sets victory over Robin Hasse, in New York and returning to his world No 3 status. Round two is over. 23 seeded players are out and 14 players have retired without completing their matches.


1 Sept 2011 At the Cincinnati Tennis Masters you could fry an egg on the base line. At the US Open in New York players are literally dropping out with brutal heat exhaustion due mainly to the slow court requiring long rallies, but also the high humidity, post Irene.


1 Sept 201 Round one of the USOpen is complete and players are literally dropping out with heat exhaustion.   9 seeds have fallen at the first hurdle, including Robin Soderling, but how are the top four shaping up. Djockovic’s stats are flattering  but he was only required to play 12 games.



Against the odds given the hype surrounding Hurricane Irene, the US Tennis Open is underway and here  are the seeds and their value in Monkles, to date. Predictions are always welcome. Please come forth with what you think might happen, particularly if it is out of the ordinary. just hit the contact link on any page of Shoestring and have the courage of your convictions, especially you, Professor Wilco. This page will be updated frequently, so come back as you please.

28 Aug 2011 Information Announcement

A movie. The Thames estuary is where conflicting weather systems  frequently meet and produce, foreboding, and even sublime cloud formations. ..........

25 Aug 2011 Dear Andy Murray

I write in praise of Andy Murray, and note your single handed sliced backhand and the drop shot.... Respect.


21 Aug 2011 Dear WILCO, you have switched your loyalty from Fed to Djok, but Murray has just won the Cincinnati Masters?

Predictions for the US Open please....

20 Aug 2011  Seamus is Sick


Cat's Pee


Dear Rosie Boycott 9 August 2011 The “Grey” €¯ population have a lot in common with disaffected youth.


11 August 2011 MP after MP ....... Lord Hanningfield,  also a thief in denial of any wrongdoing

10 August 2011 David Maceroon, to get elected, hug a hoody, to get re-elected, water cannon, and plastic bullets.

9 August 2011   no hirsute whiskers? Andy Murray out in the second round in Montreal

8 August 2011Let’s get some watches ..... said an underage kid looking for loot in the riot last night.......

7 August 2011 Meat Is Murder “The finest dinner ever served.”

Dear Boris

4 Aug 2011 ......This is the first time you have written to me, and I can see that you want me to help you become mayor, for a second term.

The rise of 'grey power' ?

1 Aug 2011 ......once young and swinging in the 1960s, and it is expected that they will retain their activism and political energy?.....

28 July 2011 One Day In London Mrs Monk was extremely uncomfortable in the basement where strange life-size Nazi-like black uniformed mannequins struck grotesque poses to inspire our awe


25 July 2011 A cancer named Rupert by Dennis Potter

24 July 2011 The day  Amy Winehouse and a nation, Norway, compete horribly for our sorrow. At the heart of each event are two tragic flawed individual characters diametrically opposed in every way imaginable.

Lucien Freud and Me

21 July 2011 Lucien Freud died yesterday and was the worlds greatest living painter. He has been mentioned at least four times on these pages and once we met him without actually realising it.

other stories

Holbein€’s Henry

Inside, Outside, and Upside Down.

Eastern Cowboy Boots

This movie will appear on these pages very soon.........

20 July 2011 Hail Dennis

Dennis Skinner MP, asked the concise question today in parliament, that provoked the equivocal answer from Prime Minister, David Cameron,...........

19 July 2011 We Know Nothing

sympathy for the aged megalomaniac

18 July 2011  Flaming Hips Rebekah Brooks has affectionately entertained would-be prime ministers, of differing hues, and duly endorsed each at will inexplicably, in exchange for what might sell newsprint.

14 July 2011
In Praise of Hugh Grant ..........

.......now alleged that Murdoch hacks attempted to bribe New York cops in order to hack the phones of the 9:11 victims.

12 July 2011 The Merchant of Maryland  ....he once told me that his daughter had a talent for selling his merchandise.

11 July 2011 (from 28 September 2010)

Freshly Laundered Knickers This old page went haywire so it has been cleaned up, and refreshed.

10 July 2011  Seamus is Sick 


Part 1

8 July 2011 In praise of the artist  Cy Twombly who died this week   


5 July 2011 Not Guilty Could it get any uglier for Rupert Murdoch? ..... the defence attorney, Jose Baez, much maligned by Fox, saved a life where Fox TV wished to take a life.

Genocide and Prolicide

4 July 2011 The Murder Trial of the Century on Fox TV. Yuk?


1 July 2011 Dear WILCO, you predicted Murray would lose in 4 in the semi finals. You are very wise, but for your other predictions.

Here are the inescapable STATS

Here are your PREDICTIONS and those by a few others.

More 2011

Go to 2014B 2014A 2013B, 2013A, 2012B, 2012A 2011B, 2011A , 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005 and 2004

  Complain, Applaud, or Comment  CONTACT Shoestringonline



3 Most Read Stories  2011 

Sodom and Gomorrah

14 November 2011 .....the blonde and the very first public toilets in Abu Dhabi.......

21 October 2006

Arsehole Signs For Sale


1 April 2006

April Fools’ Day


“We are all in this together.” BS

Peter Hitchens and the Prostitute

generated by Linkedin, but written as if they were from Mrs Monk.

If you were sat upon the Duty Officer's toilet...

Kathy Burke complaining?

Some would call it “built in obsolescence”